


Now She's Gone

by historyofamanda



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, Grief/Mourning, Inner Dialogue, Loss, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-11
Updated: 2016-12-11
Packaged: 2018-09-08 00:14:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8821996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/historyofamanda/pseuds/historyofamanda
Summary: A look into Garrus' mind hours after after he's told that Vex Shepard was killed trying to save Joker from the attack on the Normandy SR-1.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was written as a 1000 word Mass Effect fan fiction giveaway prize for [guileandgall](http://archiveofourown.org/users/GuileandGall), I really loved learning about her OC Vex Shepard and writing something from Garrus’ perspective was an interesting and fun challenge!

It feels like I only knew her for a few minutes.

She told me to call her by her first name. I asked around and no one else called her that. She never explicitly told anyone else they couldn’t, but no one would dare just call her by her first name without her permission. But right away on the day we met she said, “Call me Vex.”

Joker tried to keep his composure as he told me what happened, but I saw the tears welling up in his eyes. Crying is not something turians do, but I know it seems to be the way that humans express pain.

Right now I wish I could cry. I wish anything would help with the pain that I’m feeling.

I never got the chance to tell her. The last thing she said to me was, “Go on! I’ll be right behind you!”

That was the first time she didn’t make good on her word.

I can’t imagine what it must have felt like for her, choking on a lack of oxygen as space crushed her body. I can’t think about that right now.

I’m trying to think about her beautiful face instead, the way we always managed to make eye contact from across the room. She was really tall for a human, which drew me to her right away. Her skin was a warm gold color and made her dark eyes stand out. She was thin and had many of the proportions that turians found attractive, so it’s no wonder I couldn’t keep my eyes off her from the moment we met.

She became the closest friend I’ve ever had pretty much immediately, but after a few weeks of knowing her I figured out we couldn’t be just friends.

Damn it, damn it! I was going to tell her. I was going to tell her, I swear.

Some days it looked like she might tell me first, but we both let our nerves get in the way. We both thought we had more time.

I don’t think it’s still hit me yet that she’s gone, it still just won’t register in my head. After everything we’ve gone through she seemed indestructible. That’s one of the things I lov-….

One of the things I loved about her.

I’ve seen plenty of death, plenty of people grieving.

Usually I was able to separate myself from it, look at it from a practical perspective. Death is inevitable, right? Humans have such a short life cycle as it is.

Maybe she was too much for this universe to handle.

I’ve known she was gone for a few hours now and I think I’m still in shock because all I keep thinking is that maybe somehow Joker was wrong and we’ll find out she was okay, that someone saved her.

I remember one night I spent with her.

We were sitting in the engineering deck of the Normandy-oh, shit. I forgot that the Normandy’s gone now too. I haven’t even said anything to Joker. I don’t think any of us know what to say right now, no one is speaking to each other.

We were sitting in the engineering deck and she sat up on a table, swinging her legs a little as she talked to me. She was really excited about this new sniper rifle she had been trying out and I found myself just watching her lips move as she spoke. Normally a conversation about sniper rifles would keep my full attention, but even that couldn’t keep me focused on anything but her. That was the day I knew I felt something more for her, that we could never stay just friends forever. After that day I remember feeling a little nervous whenever she was in the same room. She laughed at something I said that night and I swear I have never seen anything more perfect in my life than her face when she laughs.

I can’t believe I won’t get to hear her laugh again.

I would’ve spent so much more time around her, would’ve made her laugh so many more times. I would’ve taken advantage of those hints she gave me, like brushing her arm up against mine or nudging me with her elbow when she wanted my attention. I would’ve pulled her close me to me and kissed her like I wanted to the moment I saw her laugh that night.

Spirits, what will I do without her.

I can hear Liara crying from the next room. Tali’s asleep, I think. She damn near drowned herself in liquor after Joker broke the news and honestly, I don’t blame her. I’ve just been sitting here staring at the floor for hours. Kaidan’s been pacing up and down the hallway; I can tell he has another one of his horrible headaches. After losing Ashley at Virmire not long ago, this was another blow that we all just can’t handle.

It really felt like I barely had time to get to know her at all, but I know that I love her and I would give anything to tell her that now. I never told anyone how I felt about her. I wish I did, so maybe she could have at least found out through someone else. Now she’s gone and she’ll never know.

She gave me a sense of purpose, someone to follow that was doing something good instead of just making me feel like I was running around in circles.

She was always kind to me. But she was also the most badass person I’ve ever known, human or otherwise. Watching her dominate every fight she took on without a second thought every day just made me love her more.

I feel like I failed her. Like I should’ve stayed there on the Normandy, should’ve disobeyed her orders and went after her. Maybe she’d still be alive. Maybe we’d both be dead. Both of those feel like much better outcomes than this.

All I’ve ever known is that this universe is cruel and unforgiving. She was the only person that made me think that was starting to change. After everything she went through, orphaned as a child and running in street gangs on Earth, raising herself, being the only person in her unit to survive that thresher maw attack on Akuze. Shit, I can’t imagine being anything but a hardened son of a bitch after going through something like that. But not her.

Now I know that nothing’s changed. The universe is still just as cruel.

I have no idea where I’ll go after this, what I’ll do. Maybe I’ll go home. Maybe Omega. I know some people there.

I feel everything and nothing at once right now. I just feel…empty.

Vex, I love you. I love you and I’d give anything to have the chance to tell you that.

I love you and I’m so sorry.


End file.
